28 August 2008

Kill Screen 256: Eat your ghosts

"Billy's the best at zeros and ones, but what if the truth is in between?"



Joshuah Bearman wrote an article on Billy Mitchell, champion videogamer, for Harper's magazine. Billy holds the world record for Pac Man, for having "collected all available points - every dot, every energizer, every ghost (while energized), every bonus prize. for all 256 levels - on his first man." The Perfect Game. I want you to imagine what that's like.

The article is a fascinating look into competitive arcade gaming, and the metaphysical implications of reaching the end of reality. The truth is out there. Link to the entirety in pdf. Via Boing Boing

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27 August 2008

Dolomites!



There were mountainous mountains, appley strudel, Italian family time, and even some sunshine whilst in the Dolomitic village of San Vito di Cadore. Naturally, I got a sunburn.

Though I prefer the urban environment as a general rule, the expansiveness of mountainosity, the clouds clinging to jagged rockface like shaving cream, and the clarity of the air certainly have strong appeal.

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20 August 2008

new Levi's site

Levi's.eu has launched a new-look site. It's a flashheavy wexberience full of music, sound, eye-jocking visuals and some damn fine catalogue copywriting.

Do yourself a favour: surf the lighter side of the cutting edge denim lifestyle.

Hit it.

Bonus: Artist profile on Danny Sangra, who made some hot collab tees with Levi's.

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Bad Beer - PSA



Fact: beer is delicious. Especially in Belgium, where beer-making has had literally hundreds and hundreds of years of practice to get it right. Belgium has close to one billion types of beer, so there's something for every taste.

There's also, since summer 2008, a beer for someone with no taste whatsoever. Hoegaarden Citron.

Hoegaarden is a white (witte/wit/blanche) beer. A refreshing, light and summery beer, it goes very well with a circle of lemon in your glass. The logical progression (marketing-wise) is to just add that lemon right there during production and WHAMMO! No need for the labour-intensive citrus-addition process to take place on the consumer end. Sounds simple, right? (Not to mention thoughtful)

Especially if you've been making white beer since the Middle Ages, as they've been doing in the small Flemish village of Hoegaarden. You couldn't possibly fuck this up.

Naturally, it's a blech-storm of fuck-uppedness. Hoegaarden Citron, proudly brewed by Hoegaarden, (now property of Belgian mega-brewery InBev) tastes like it was concocted by a hyperactive seven-year old up past his bedtime: heavy on the sickly sweet artificially lemony syrup, light on the barley, malt, hops, and water. Whoever put this kid in charge should be executed for crimes against beer.

The grossness is unimaginable. It tastes, believe it or not, like 'suck'.

Hoegaarden Citron = FAIL

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19 August 2008

Skateboard Poetry in Motion

Enjoy these superslow fliptricks set to music.


skate - shot on red - 120 fps from opus magnum prod. on Vimeo.

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14 August 2008

Roadstorome Beta

I'm in beta-testing. With all new hacks. I don't even know what that means really, but I am working on site improvements. And you love improvements, don't you? Besides, you love unfocused, sloppy, arts graduates, fumbling in a forest of HTML. I know you.

UPDATE: Fuck it. That's 45 minutes of my life gone, but at least I made it out of that HTML forest. That shit was scary.

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13 August 2008

ID Theft



Some fuckers stole my identity and tried to open an account at Future Shop in Canada. Apparently they had a whole bunch of personal information, which doesn't make me very happy. In this feverishly infotained, borderless world, identity is slippery enough, without having other fuckwads competing for your details.

But I am very, very glad that the techniques employed to do credit checkery alerted the scrupulous and diligent Future Shop Credit-Checker that I would never, ever open an account there.

Actually I don't know what set off the alarm bells, but future speculative identity thieves beware: I will be calling all Future Shop outlets, and Sears, and Canadian Tires, and let them know that I do not intend to open an account and buy loads of high-end stereo equipment, or a ski-doo, anytime soon.

I may be a red flag in every retail and banking outlet, but so are you, and so are my details, so go shoot yourself in the chest with a nail gun.

And also: shame on you.

Prick.

There's only 1 Ryan Millar.

Unless you're into US Olympic volleyball. Or on facebook.

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11 August 2008

Rejection letter

Aha! I see your rejection letter, and raise you a counter-rejection!

Herbert A. Millington
Chair - Search Committee
412A Clarkson Hall, Whitson University
College Hill, MA 34109

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,


Chris L. Jensen

Link

This innovative technique has put me in a particularly mischievious and determined mood. It has also forced me to revise my job-hunting strategies (should I ever need to hunt for employment in the near future).

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08 August 2008

Today's Spam Poem - Atomic Kazoo - analyzed


atomic necromantic mount?
bette, citywide boyhood.bibb terre cryptanalyze huggins colossus sentiment,
whittle cryptanalyze optima pall priori wallboard.
extricable colossus cupidity

atomic bette kazoo?

category,
arose taken.kazoo category terre immigrate teakwood brookline,
boyhood necromantic hrothgar eke extricable whittle.
perspicuous hesse perspicuous
colossus wallboard simple?

immigrate, mount contend.
priori drummond.

-Chase Bond


A deeper look...

Part elegy for humankind, part paean to Bette, the author's boyhood crush, Chase Bond's poem Atomic Kazoo reads as a compelling testament to the enduring power of memory and love. Despite the omnipresent mournful tone, a guiding light persists, even in Bond's near-future dystopia. The narrator's refreshing lack of syntax contribute to the sense of optimism, as if a refusal to be shackled to grammar can somehow initiate a full-on rebellion against damnation.

The poet's power is to reveal truth, and in Atomic Kazoo the curtains are pulled back, to expose the dire results technology and greed have wrought - the 'teakwood brookline', if you will. The narrator's cryptanalysis of the past yields nothing, save bleak memories and monuments to man's inhumanity to man. Whittled down to 'sentiments' and 'wallboard'.

Perhaps Bond's greatest poetic achievement is found in the cadence. The juxtaposition of the rhythms of the words form a dynamic soundclash, like metal on mental metal forged in the forgery of the subconscious. As best exemplified in the line 'Extricable colossus cupidity' the discordant images compete for the reader's mental energy. Survival of the fittest seems to be the warning; only by embracing the past can we free ourselves of it's bonds. Like Dickens Ghost of Christmas Future, Atomic Kazoo tells it like it will be, lest.

The future is dire; sound the kazoo. Perhaps that, and your memories of young love, will save you...


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06 August 2008

New Bike!

My lovely wife got me a bike for my birthday. She also (wise woman that she is) purchased two fuck-off huge-ass industrial Masterlocks, which come with a lifetime guarantee.

! This bike is even awesomer than my last years bike Aaaaaaannnd:

!Way less likely to be stolen (knock knock)

This jet black cruiser has all the trappings of a luxury car:

- Black
- Comfortable seats
- Standard transmission
- Ample trunk space
- Bell

Thanks wifey, for the awesome and practical birthday gift, which I will ride around in new jeans, t-shirts and other assorted gifts. Things go better with bike!™

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05 August 2008

Hard to Find 800 Numbers

A big fuck you to the companies that send you a big (implied) 'fuck-you' through their hard-to-find 800 customer service numbers.

http://www.hardtofind800numbers.com/

Of course, there's no Ryanair listing. You'll still need to call, get put on hold for an interminable length of time and be charged the whole time for the privelege. Fuck you, Ryanair.

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01 August 2008

More honeymoon photos

Here are some more honeymoon photos...

Me, versus the sweltering sun. Notice look of mild confusion mixed with determintaion.

No shortage of nice sunsets.


Corsica, as seen from the ferryboat.


Sunset departure from Corsica, as seen from ferryboat. With my face.


Chiara's sunset sandjinx.

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GET YOUR WAR ON



The absolutely high-larious, bone-dry and painfully incisive Get Your War On comic by David Rees is now an animated cartoon. Check it out.

"This is it. The highly anticipated premiere of Get Your War On, the new animated series from 23/6, based on the popular comic by David Rees. Keep checking back for new episodes every week, whether or not you're on the terrorist watch list. That's right...whether you're a terrorist, non-terrorist, or simply a neglected unlisted terrorist, you still get a new GYWO episode every week. That's just the kind of people we are."



Video here

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