30 October 2012

Get your meaningless jargon out! I mean in!


This jar can be filled up with all sorts of meaningless words and phrases!

I have already professed a perverse love of office management lingo. This may be due to its innate ridiculousness, clever obfuscations and impressive scope - much like my love of CB lingo, and carny and prison slang. The problem with those dialects is that they're all but unintelligible to the uninitiated. And I don't want to drive an 18-wheeler, work at a travelling carnival or go to prison.

So business jargon will have to do. The problem is the opposite to the others: over-familiarity.

By the time you hear of a phrase like ‘boil the ocean’ and are able to action it into your own usage (ie it gains traction) it’s already a cliché. Same as 'action it' and 'gaining traction'. So what's a person to do?

Well, if you're just a regular idiot, nothing. You do nothing. 

But you are not a regular idiot. So let me cut you into a couple of secrets, so you can make patsies of the cake eaters. So to speak.

SHORTCUTS
If you are reading this post you are a smart go-getter with great taste in blogs. And I have no doubt that you want to "seamlessly  integrate mission-critical applications into your workstreams" and "hundred-percent reboot your total organizational mobility". And stuff like that. want jargon, and fast? No problem. See below.

Here's some shortcuts for you:

Gobbledygook generator - this handy tool will change a phrase like We need to do our work properly so our clients are happy, into We need a more contemporary reimagining of our facilitating policy processing

Web Economy Bullshit Generator - Randomly creates phrases like enhance customized solutions and envisioneer mission-critical e-markets. So it's also useful.

The Ridiculous Business Jargon Dictionary - A pretty comprehensive compendium of useful office jargon, to give you some helpful phrases to pepper into your next powerpoint presentation. Or alternately to help you understand what your supervisor is talking about at the next meeting.

See how you get on with those tools, and if you want to help me polish up my carny slang, let me know.

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